You know when I’m there, after all the blood,
after all my ghost begin to break up and
dissipate like early morning radio chatter,
after the loss
of every god damn thing I’ve ever loved,
I can tell you that I earned the cognizance
that this was never a room.
Rooms have an exit, but there is no re-entry
into what my life used to be.
It’s a black hole, and on the other side
there is a universe of all dead bodies.
So if I dissect myself,
if I show you all my organs that could never
have managed to hold this cancer,
if I do it here at the altar of all my great
I just want you to know I’ve reached the
But here I do not struggle, I strive. I still
yearn to be a good man. Wish that my
heart would become supermassive,
and strong enough to maybe release
one singular ray of light into all this space.
Set one lone kite free of the gravity.
If I fall through the hole and I’m never seen again,
I want you to remember I wasn’t a coward.
I was the thing that withstood longer than
Because nothing can be here if it still
has a world to belong to.
And if you don’t understand that, in a way
I hope you never do.
But if you never saw my light, if I gave in
before it could break through
It’s not because I didn’t try.
So live or die,
Be free or killed by this monster of my mind,
I did the very best that I could.