“I am my Father’s Son”

nita-naldi-silent-film-actress

“You are a runner with a stolen voice. And you are a runner. And I am my father’s son.” (Wolf Parade)

The weather is changing. In the morning I can feel it. It is just a matter of time. Eventually a cold wind will blow away all the dank humidity. I think about running, my lost passion. Before the bad back, before the squeeze of domestic responsibility, I would put on my running shoes on a cold Sunday morning and run until I had exhausted my legs, lost my breath. It was exhilarating. My life transformed when I was running; it was the action from which all good things sprang. I could never envision a life without it. Of course, I didn’t visualize the obstacles life would put in my path.

Years ago my mother gave me some dusty mementos of races my father ran in the early-eighties. I never thought of him as a runner. Later in life he had a big belly and was a connoisseur of indulgent, greasy meals. He labored at times going up stairs and seemed frail. I wondered why he quit. Thought that perhaps if he wouldn’t have stopped running his heart would not have exploded two weeks after retiring in his late fifties. I thought of him as I ran. I felt close to him. Understood what he went through getting up on an early Saturday morning and facing down a half marathon. Perhaps I understood him in a way that I never did. It was something that we had in common all these years after his death.

Like my father, I stopped running. Life happened. I think the end started with a back problem that eventually became an excuse. I slid into a life of leisure. The drive vanished. Again, I understood him; the distractions, the work, the family all became more important. Suddenly, it became easier to stop running. I wonder to myself if he ever felt the guilt, pined for the long runs,  or the silent meditative runs when all the problems of the world seem to be held at arm’s length, at least for an hour. If he would have lived to an old age, we would have those conversations. We would realize that we have a lot in common. Maybe we would have a laugh and realize that I am my father’s son.

Today, as I eagerly anticipate the first cool air, I think about him. I also think about running. My life fell apart; unlike my father, I was not able to hold it together. Now I have half a family, smoke constantly, and find myself given over to the same indulgent meals—though I have not yet fallen prey to the protruding belly. I don’t know how to fix everything, but I am sure that the only thing I can do now is take action, put one foot in front of the other and spend hours chasing the silent meditation that led me out of the darkness years ago. It is so far away but so close. All it takes is action, putting on the shoes, grabbing a water out of the refrigerator and start running.

Jasper Kerkau

Sudden Denouement Literary Collective

Author: Sudden Denouement

A Literary Collective

17 thoughts on ““I am my Father’s Son””

  1. So enjoyed reading this. My husband and I met running when we were 16. Life happened and we stopped running. We ran vicariously through our younger son. We started running again when our sons went to college and haven’t stopped. Don’t wait as long as we did. Run even if it’s for 5 minutes because then you’ll want to run for 6 minutes.

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  2. Maybe try and stop smoking first Jasper? Take care of your health with that first step…then put on the running shoes…and GO! It’s a hard addiction to break…like so many others. I’ve battled (and thank-fuck won) my own addiction… I know how hard they can be. I love your writing. It comes from your soul! Well done!!

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    1. Yes, thank you. That is what I am working on. I quit before when my first child was born and picked up up after the divorce. The first time
      I was able to quit by running. It is a horrible habit and a nightmare to quit.

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  3. That was written like a song, a song that keeps you thinking afterwards. Whose life doesn’t come into the way? And don’t we all have the remnants of our father waiting to vanish down the same path?

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